11 Comments
Jul 19, 2022Liked by Benjamin A Boyce

Re: Relational Aggression: Your latest (?) conversation with Mary Harrington was wonderful, and I transcribed this quote for further consideration: "In a sense, the internet has cucked all of us. [...] Women are just as aggressive and competitive as men but they go about it differently. [...] Once you transfer all of human interaction onto the internet you foreclose the possibility of physical violence, and in a sense it means that all conflict now happens in the female key."

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Jul 19, 2022Liked by Benjamin A Boyce

It's refreshing to meet people who are genuine complimenters, who have nice thoughts and say them outloud for the pleasure of saying something good and true.

Unfortunately, men often use compliments as currency with the expectation that one is supposed to feel awfully flattered and grateful, and women who have been burned too many times by this transaction end up building these defensive heuristics for how to deal with friendly men.

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Jul 19, 2022·edited Jul 19, 2022Liked by Benjamin A Boyce

Oh man, this topic ... I hope I'm coming to deal with it better.

I'm amazed by certain men's ability to be fully present around women and children and behave in a light hearted, gentle, confident way, knowing when to say this or that thing in this or that situation to make sure people feel safe AND not be patronizing AND be friendly all at the same time - w/o him being so self conscious about it that he can't let his personality shine naturally.

Idk how a man is supposed to be spontaneous around women in the sense of just showing his personality, being himself, and therefore enjoy the every day pleasantness of being social. The fact I feel the need to suppress my personality, bc of /what/ I am, a man, idk how I'm supposed to not feel like some kind of vile thing. And yet I hate saying that, bc I want to be gracious about it; I want to not take the suspicion personally and just be strong, safe, kind and fun to be around. I don't want to do that only to then guilt women (like oh look how good I'm trying to be and I'm suffering for you women; that just seems like the stupidest things ever to say), and they often have such real reasons to be afraid of men they don't know, so it's not like I'm gonna tell women they should bring their guard down.

I don't want to give up on this, but it seems like I can better expect to find friends, maybe even a woman who sees eye-to-eye with me, even if I always feel alienated from society at large. Is it helpful or not to point out that there is here such deep, socially acceptable bigotry that it can be right in front of our faces and no one will think anything of it? When women abuse this vulnerability of men's (how men often can't defend themselves verbally when it's wielded against them), I keep wanting to say they're being creeps, but I don't think I have a word that fits it. Sorry for the vent. I know it's probably /usually/ not nearly this bad; it's just the possibility of being so horribly perceived, or the little under-the-surface ways these things go on--

But yes, these topics make clear the necessity of the concept of gender. And it makes it look to me that people who pretend gender norms can be entirely done away are either taking advantage of the ambiguity here (of how men can't always defend themselves with much nuance and so need to stay extra paranoidly deferential just to play it safe), or are avoiding opening up this horrible can of worms and then needing to defend their position and stand up for themselves and immediately be perceived as disregarding the safety of women. Or maybe I'm just projecting bc of how paranoid this can get me.

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“Because if people are gonna misconstrue me, I’m gonna con up a strue they can’t miss.” So relatable and hilarious. I really enjoy your acknowledgment of your own mischief as you carefully navigate such topics. My goodness this was a lovely read!

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Hestia and Ceres also need defenders, but Aphrodite is a start. Just listened to a December conversation in which you mentioned Winnicott. Love that guy! Roxanne

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Jul 25, 2022·edited Jul 25, 2022

“Boundaries can be lowered without being violated.”

Oh, how I wish I hadn't been banned from Twitter, because I would have had a helluva time jumping into the fray with this one. I too have a sense of mercurial mischief when it comes to certain topics. I like pushing the envelope; I enjoy seeing how much I can get another person to wind up exploding and revealing whatever it is at the root of why they disagree so vehemently with something I've put forward. Not because I'm being mean or cruel, but because I know that sometimes it takes the right sort of provocation to get people, in the heat of the moment, to abandon all pretence at propriety and just straight up show what they really feel. But having been suspended I'm afraid I can no longer enjoy such revelatory sparring matches. Everywhere else is just an echo-chamber and I'm rarely happy when everyone is simply in agreement. Does that make me an agitator? An instigator? Yes. But isn't that fun sometimes?

As for your remarks about flirtation and boundaries, this was exactly what I was trying to get at when I commented on your first post "To Begin: An Apology". In what seems like an eon or so ago (about 25 years in reality) I was right on the cusp of moving into the realm of relationships with the opposite sex. I knew the power inherent in my being a woman; the effect my mere physicality could have on a man without him even necessarily being aware of there being this interaction, as my femininity called out to his masculinity, echoing the same silent communication that has gone on between the sexes since time immemorial. Suddenly I knew that despite my average looks, there was something alchemical about the simple fact of me existing in a world where I held the keys to a kingdom that many men would want access to. Does that sound creepy when I put it like that? Not to me. But then I'm a 42 year old woman who has been with the same long-suffering man for the past 14 years. I've learned a lot about both sexes over the years. I'm well aware that for all our sophistication, we're really just animals. And that's not a bad thing.

Flirting was something we had to learn as we moved into the world of relationships. It was a game, a challenge, a dance, and a language that had to be learned over time; as much from our mistakes - if not more so - than our successes. At once both frustratingly complicated and eternally simple, the combination of looks, stolen glances, blatant stares, gentle nudges, firm holds, questions, answers, lies and honest outbursts...all came together to allow our hormonally saturated selves to come to an understanding along the way. An agreement. An acquiescence. A surrender.

Boundaries have to be tested before they can be breached. And sometimes what one might call a violation is actually just a delicately coordinated culmination of both the spoken and unspoken communication up until this point, which will in fact bring about the absolute, actual breaching of a boundary. An entirely physical one. Because sex is the ultimate boundary, which when agreed upon between two parties, requires the relinquishing of a barrier in the face of utmost vulnerability. To understand that the dance will eventually lead to that all-consuming consummation, is to realise that boundaries at some point will inevitably be breached. So to expect there not to be a lowering of boundaries when simply flirting with the opposite sex, is to not understand the nature of the beasts in question. Because we are beasts. Beautiful, brilliant, boundary breaching, brains and bodies, but beasts nonetheless.

And sometimes a compliment can be the least beastly thing you can give to a person.

Stay complimentary my parasocial fellow beast!

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